Addiction is a Matter of Life and Death

AJ Diaz, LMSW CASAC-T • Sep 21, 2021

Addiction is a Matter of Life and Death 

In thinking about what to write I asked my colleague what she thought was a good topic that would resonate with others. Unfortunately, she just lost a friend to addiction and she very poignantly said “I can't stop thinking about how life and death the whole situation of addiction is.” If you know anyone who has battled addiction, you know that death is something that can be a part of it.  I think up until now our blogs have had the flavor of positivity, something that is very important. It is equally important to be realistic about what 22 million Americans and all of the people who love them may face - the ultimate rock bottom. 


I remember first hearing “this is life or death!” and immediately thinking how dramatic everyone was being. After all, I was only doing copious amounts of drugs that could stop my respiratory system - not sure what everyone was freaking out about. Then I heard stories of people who knew others who overdosed or died of alcohol poisoning and I immediately remembered the funeral that I went to, for one of my best friends in college. He too died of an overdose, a light extinguished far too soon. 


I Had Little to no Insight Into The Risk of My Addiction

I think back to using and if the threat of overdosing or crashing my car while intoxicated ever crossed my mind. The honest answer is that I know it did. However, when actively using, I couldn’t let that cloud my judgement of what I needed to do - get my hands on something that would make me feel better in that moment. Research suggests that when someone has prolonged exposure or use of a substance, it actually becomes a survival mechanism. It completely overrides the brain and specifically, the prefrontal cortex (where judgement is created) and makes the substance the number one thing on our priority list. Not even the threat of losing my life could stop me. I think back to this and I can honestly say that I am the most fortunate and blessed person to be alive. 


Realizations Setting In

The first time I truly digested what everyone was saying was the first funeral I went to in sobriety. It was a friend of a friend and someone who I had spent some time with. Selfishly and also I think naturally, the only thought I had during the experience was “this seriously could have been me.” I walked out of that with a whole new perspective on the statement “this is life and death.” Ever since that first encounter, I have had the unfortunate experience of having to go to and hear of more and more people losing their life due to addiction. For me, there are two extremely hard realizations when this happens. First, I think that people who struggle with addiction are some of the most talented, creative and wonderful people this earth has to offer. It is gut wrenching to me to think of what the world was deprived of because those people are no longer in it. Secondly, the family, friends and loved ones that are left behind. Addiction is not an isolated illness and no one is an island. When I am actively using, everyone around me feels the effects. 


My Own Experience with Death and Addiction

On the morning of April 10 this year, I got a text message from a good friend who told me that one of our oldest and closest friends passed away from an overdose. I remember looking at my phone and just wilting towards the ground. I sat on the stairs, staring at the text message hoping and praying that it was a mistake. She confirmed it as did posts on social media and I honestly did not know what to do with myself. I called my mom and just cried on the phone. That whole weekend was a complete blur and I couldn't really do anything other than sit on the couch - I was in a complete haze of sadness. I don’t think the pain of losing someone you love ever goes away; it only gets smaller. I miss my friend very much and I think about him all the time. He was someone who was truly larger than life and had the uncanny ability to make anyone he met feel loved and safe. He could also make anyone laugh, no matter the circumstance. The world lost a very special person in my humble opinion. This is the reality when addiction is not treated - there are serious consequences and so many people feel and experience the reverberations. If you think you need help or you know someone who does - we are happy to help you. If you just want to chat, please reach out. You are very much worth it and deserving of a wonderful life.

Worth the Wait: Megan's Path to Lasting Addiction Recovery and Purpose

By Megan Miller, CAC • 29 Oct, 2024
I grew up full of fear. Everything terrified me. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. It wasn’t until I started smoking pot at 14—because I was too afraid to stand up to peer pressure—that I finally felt a sense of freedom and relaxation for the first time. I chased that high for the next 16 years. Somehow, I managed to graduate college with an OxyContin addiction, and after that, with nothing tethering me to the real world, things got a lot worse. I went to detox for the first of many times in 2005. I left there thinking I wasn’t an addict and that my use had just gotten out of control. That denial kept me in and out of treatment for the next decade. Heroin became my entire life. I couldn’t hold a job, I overdosed, I got Hepatitis C from sharing needles, and I didn’t care about anything except getting high. I was so full of shame at what my life had become, but I just couldn’t stop. I was great at trying to stop, but I couldn’t stay stopped. The gift of desperation came to me in April 2012. I couldn’t keep living the way I was. I finally wanted to live instead of die. That compulsion to use left me when I finally surrendered to it. Today, I wake up grateful for the life I have. My 6-year-old daughter is the greatest joy of my life, and she has never seen me use. Today, with the support of my wonderful husband, my family, and my recovery network, I live a full life of joy and purpose. There is no more rewarding feeling in the world than sharing the gift of recovery with others.

Overdose Awareness Day: A Reflection on Hope and Recovery

By Dave Aumiller, CPS, NCPRSS • 03 Sep, 2024
Overdose. It’s a word that catches in my throat and a topic that stops me in my tracks. As a person in long-term recovery from Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) and Substance Use Disorder (SUD), I have overdosed many times. I have been revived by paramedics three times. Waking up in a hospital bed with no idea how I got there—scared. Or in the back of an ambulance, sick and angry for being Narcaned, a crazed hostage of my addicted mind. Or in a front yard, soaking wet from someone throwing me in a cold shower, unsuccessfully trying to revive me before leaving me outside—confused. These experiences don’t account for the countless times I have overdosed and been revived by a concerned party—now scarred by the trauma of my disease in its final stage, trying to carry out its final act, resulting in an untimely death. Overdose. After all of this, it was the kindness and care of others that made the difference between another chance and another day. Another dose of hope and life. An opportunity to begin again. On a day like today, reflecting on a topic that is so close to the heart of everyone connected to this reality, I am grateful. I am hopeful. I am humble. Because I know how lucky I am. How undeserving I was. And I live my amends and gratitude by doing my best to embody and live the values of a recovery that works. I also keep close to my heart, at the forefront of my mind, and on the tip of my tongue, the names of the countless others who weren’t as lucky as I. In honor of Overdose Awareness Day, I will say the names of my friends who weren’t fortunate enough to receive as many chances as I did, and I will live in their names—sober today and willing to extend a hand to anyone who needs it in their journey to recover and spread hope to both the sufferer and the caregiver.  Today, let us remember those we have lost, cherish the moments we have been given, and continue to fight for a future where overdose is a distant memory. Together, we can make a difference. Together, we can spread hope.

Overdose Awareness Day: Survivor's Guilt Transformed into Hope

By Shannon Schwoeble, CPS • 29 Aug, 2024
I was devastated when I heard that another close friend I'd made in treatment was gone. Seven friends in my first six months—two had come into treatment, left, and passed away while I was still there. In the years that followed, many others who had walked this path alongside me were lost as well. Nine in my first year of recovery. I found myself asking, "Why am I still here? Why didn’t they ‘get it’?"  Survivor’s guilt was not something I expected to experience in recovery. It hit me hard and fast when I began my journey in 2011. I was terrified. I would sit and think about friends I had just seen or spoken to—did they seem different? Did they sound off? I was so scared of who I would lose next. Through my work with a therapist and finding my own voice, I learned to transform my survivor's guilt into hope. I realized that by using my voice, sharing my story, saying their names, and talking about the profound impact each of them had on me—in life and in death—I could help others understand that recovery is possible. Perhaps, something I share will give someone struggling a glimmer of hope that they, too, can find recovery. On Overdose Awareness Day, August 31, we remember and honor those we've lost to this devastating disease. In loving memory of Ben, Pat, Krista, Harry, Christina, Brook, Dustin, Jeff, Jamie, and everyone we have lost—you are remembered and loved, today and every day.
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