Divorce and being a Sober Single Mom

Ahhh.. Motherhood

Becoming a mom was the happiest thing that ever happened to me. I had my first daughter at the age of 38, already 14 years sober. Although I had her ‘later’ in life, she arrived at the perfect time for me. I was so ready to be a mother. From the time I found out I was pregnant, I loved her unconditionally, and a very strong bond began to form between us. When she arrived here on Earth, all I wanted to do was hold my sweet little baby girl close to me, gazing at her tiny, perfect little face. I showered her with kisses over and over and promised her that I would be the best mother ever to her. I fell so in love with her, with being a mom, with life. 

Almost three years later I gave birth to my second baby girl, and I felt all those same feelings toward her, except multiplied. It was so amazing to see how quickly my older daughter took to her baby sister, and they became, and still are, best friends. For a while I was in my own little bubble of love with my two daughters feeling so incredibly blessed that I got to experience motherhood in this life. I was a stay at home mom at this time, which I also loved. I got to be there for my daughters and watch them grow, always by their side. Honestly, the love I felt for my little girls carried me through the stress and sheer exhaustion that comes with motherhood. I was willing to endure it all, because I loved being a mom. I loved my girls more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. I wanted them to always know that I’d always be there for them, and that they were always safe with me. 

Ugh… Single Motherhood?

Then came divorce. I initiated my divorce when my girls were 5 and 2 years old, after genuinely  trying to work out problems in my marriage that sadly, were just not going to work out. We were able to get it all done without lawyers, and in about 6 months it was all finalized. However, the divorce being finalized did not bring me the relief I thought it would. The divorce itself felt like a trainwreck but the aftermath was even worse. I was totally blindsided by the effect it had on me- it knocked me on my butt. I don’t think I have ever experienced anything as disorienting as divorce. I went from being a stay-at-home mom to a … single mom? I never EVER saw myself suddenly becoming divorced, much less a single mom. But there I was, and unlike becoming a mother, I did not feel ready to be a single mom AT ALL. I didn’t even know if I could handle it. I live very far away from any family so I really didn’t have any support. I was facing this all alone, and it was overwhelming, to say the least. 

Being a stay at home mom had become my whole world and identity. I was confident that I was good at it, as exhausting as it was. But the thought of being a ‘single mom’ really freaked me out. Everyone always talks about how difficult it is to be a single mom, and I’ve always had the impression that being a single mom is a very painful existence of non-stop toil and stress. I didn’t feel ready for that. I didn’t know what to do, which made me desperate for some kind of escape. 

There’s no way that I can honestly say that staying sober through all of this was easy, it wasn’t. At the same time, I was determined to maintain my sobriety because I knew if I relapsed I’d be dragging my girls into a whole new nightmare. There was no way I could subject them to that. 

Over time though, I’ve found that the temptation to escape never really escapes you. You can be sober and still feel a strong urge to escape a really challenging situation. In my case, that escape was to immediately begin dating someone else, in an attempt to quickly regain a sense of security and love. That was probably the worst thing I could have done, because it ended in disaster and heartache for me. I was left feeling worse than before, way worse. 

Now, being a mom, and always wanting to set a positive example for my daughters, I really really thought long and hard about this. Did I really want my daughters to witness me, their mom who they love and adore so much, being hurt? I knew I was stuck in a cycle of failed romantic relationships. Did I really want to risk trying yet again, only to end up with the same painful outcome? We know what the definition of insanity is! Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I didn’t want to subject myself or my daughters to another round of the same excruciating cycle. I knew what I had to do. 

The Harder Path

I decided that the wisest thing I could do for myself and for my girls at that time was to take a break from dating, and heal. I knew I needed to heal the wounded part of myself that kept getting drawn into relationships that only hurt me. If my daughters are going to follow in my footsteps, I had to put myself on a healthy path immediately. If I took the time to heal my heart, I could break the pattern. Yes it was scary. Yes it would have been easier to not face my demons head-on, but I kept thinking about how I wanted my little girls to see me. The best thing they could see me do was heal, grow, and bounce back from all of this to a stronger, better, and even more capable, loving version of myself. 

And so, the past few years I have focused on myself, my own healing and made the best use I possibly could of coaches, counselors, support groups and healers. If I’m being completely honest, it was extremely difficult at first, because I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel better. It’s difficult to invest the time to heal when you’re feeling so much pain and would rather scramble to find a bandaid in the form of dating apps and superficial relationships that would only provide fleeting, temporary relief. The time I invested in myself was so worth it, because I have finally come to a place of peace and acceptance of the divorce as well as my past relationships. At this time I feel like I have a genuinely clean slate for what the future holds, and I am okay with allowing that to unfold naturally. 

I am no longer in pain so I don’t feel the desperation I once did to cover it up with a temporary solution. My daughters and I are closer than ever and that’s the most important thing to me right now. I am so thankful that I pushed myself to be a good example for them, because I truly have peace now where there was so much pain, and that is worth its weight in gold. 

“Often the hard path is the one that may be hardest for you to follow. But the hard path is the one that will make you grow as a human being.” - Karen Mueller Coombs