Divorce and being a Sober Single Mom

Katie McKenna • September 27, 2021

Divorce and being a Sober Single Mom

Ahhh.. Motherhood


Becoming a mom was the happiest thing that ever happened to me. I had my first daughter at the age of 38, already 14 years sober. Although I had her ‘later’ in life, she arrived at the perfect time for me. I was so ready to be a mother. From the time I found out I was pregnant, I loved her unconditionally, and a very strong bond began to form between us. When she arrived here on Earth, all I wanted to do was hold my sweet little baby girl close to me, gazing at her tiny, perfect little face. I showered her with kisses over and over and promised her that I would be the best mother ever to her. I fell so in love with her, with being a mom, with life. 


Almost three years later I gave birth to my second baby girl, and I felt all those same feelings toward her, except multiplied. It was so amazing to see how quickly my older daughter took to her baby sister, and they became, and still are, best friends. For a while I was in my own little bubble of love with my two daughters feeling so incredibly blessed that I got to experience motherhood in this life. I was a stay at home mom at this time, which I also loved. I got to be there for my daughters and watch them grow, always by their side. Honestly, the love I felt for my little girls carried me through the stress and sheer exhaustion that comes with motherhood. I was willing to endure it all, because I loved being a mom. I loved my girls more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. I wanted them to always know that I’d always be there for them, and that they were always safe with me. 


Ugh… Single Motherhood?


Then came divorce. I initiated my divorce when my girls were 5 and 2 years old, after genuinely  trying to work out problems in my marriage that sadly, were just not going to work out. We were able to get it all done without lawyers, and in about 6 months it was all finalized. However, the divorce being finalized did not bring me the relief I thought it would. The divorce itself felt like a trainwreck but the aftermath was even worse. I was totally blindsided by the effect it had on me- it knocked me on my butt. I don’t think I have ever experienced anything as disorienting as divorce. I went from being a stay-at-home mom to a … single mom? I never EVER saw myself suddenly becoming divorced, much less a single mom. But there I was, and unlike becoming a mother, I did not feel ready to be a single mom AT ALL. I didn’t even know if I could handle it. I live very far away from any family so I really didn’t have any support. I was facing this all alone, and it was overwhelming, to say the least. 


Being a stay at home mom had become my whole world and identity. I was confident that I was good at it, as exhausting as it was. But the thought of being a ‘single mom’ really freaked me out. Everyone always talks about how difficult it is to be a single mom, and I’ve always had the impression that being a single mom is a very painful existence of non-stop toil and stress. I didn’t feel ready for that. I didn’t know what to do, which made me desperate for some kind of escape. 


There’s no way that I can honestly say that staying sober through all of this was easy, it wasn’t. At the same time, I was determined to maintain my sobriety because I knew if I relapsed I’d be dragging my girls into a whole new nightmare. There was no way I could subject them to that. 

Over time though, I’ve found that the temptation to escape never really escapes you. You can be sober and still feel a strong urge to escape a really challenging situation. In my case, that escape was to immediately begin dating someone else, in an attempt to quickly regain a sense of security and love. That was probably the worst thing I could have done, because it ended in disaster and heartache for me. I was left feeling worse than before, way worse. 


Now, being a mom, and always wanting to set a positive example for my daughters, I really really thought long and hard about this. Did I really want my daughters to witness me, their mom who they love and adore so much, being hurt? I knew I was stuck in a cycle of failed romantic relationships. Did I really want to risk trying yet again, only to end up with the same painful outcome? We know what the definition of insanity is! Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I didn’t want to subject myself or my daughters to another round of the same excruciating cycle. I knew what I had to do. 


The Harder Path


I decided that the wisest thing I could do for myself and for my girls at that time was to take a break from dating, and heal. I knew I needed to heal the wounded part of myself that kept getting drawn into relationships that only hurt me. If my daughters are going to follow in my footsteps, I had to put myself on a healthy path immediately. If I took the time to heal my heart, I could break the pattern. Yes it was scary. Yes it would have been easier to not face my demons head-on, but I kept thinking about how I wanted my little girls to see me. The best thing they could see me do was heal, grow, and bounce back from all of this to a stronger, better, and even more capable, loving version of myself. 


And so, the past few years I have focused on myself, my own healing and made the best use I possibly could of coaches, counselors, support groups and healers. If I’m being completely honest, it was extremely difficult at first, because I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel better. It’s difficult to invest the time to heal when you’re feeling so much pain and would rather scramble to find a bandaid in the form of dating apps and superficial relationships that would only provide fleeting, temporary relief. The time I invested in myself was so worth it, because I have finally come to a place of peace and acceptance of the divorce as well as my past relationships. At this time I feel like I have a genuinely clean slate for what the future holds, and I am okay with allowing that to unfold naturally. 


I am no longer in pain so I don’t feel the desperation I once did to cover it up with a temporary solution. My daughters and I are closer than ever and that’s the most important thing to me right now. I am so thankful that I pushed myself to be a good example for them, because I truly have peace now where there was so much pain, and that is worth its weight in gold. 

 


“Often the hard path is the one that may be hardest for you to follow. But the hard path is the one that will make you grow as a human being.” - Karen Mueller Coombs

Jason's Story - From Rock Bottom to New Heights: My Journey of Recovery and Reinvention

By Jason Ertrachter • February 4, 2025
With over a decade of alcohol and drug abuse, it became clear I could not drink responsibly or consume in moderation. Upon further review, I came to understand I was never able to drink responsibly and was predisposed to consume in excess. Moderation is a construct I still don’t understand. Alcohol, drugs, sugar, ego, all things I love to indulge in. At 25 years old, weeks before the pandemic, I found myself being escorted by security from my beloved office in a sought-after industry in a glamorous part of Los Angeles. Pursuing a career in talent management, the late nights, weekly drinking, daily drug use culminated in the unavoidable fear, anxiety and sense of calamity that led me to recovery. I asked myself, “What was the common denominator between lost jobs, friends lost, arrests, hurt feelings and selfishness?” People, places, things were always changing, but the one constant in my story was me with drugs and alcohol. Walking into the West Hollywood Recovery Center on Monday February 5th, 2020 at noon was not my first meeting. It was, however, the first meeting at which I listened and actually took suggestions. Meetings as a teenager, and again in college when my drug use got bad, were simply to get people off my back. As I look back, I understand that I actually needed to get out of my own way, not have those who loved me off of my back. I am grateful to have gotten sober during a time when the world shut down and so many struggled. I had nowhere to go, no outside distractions to challenge my commitment. I fully emerged myself in meetings and all that AA had to offer for young people. There were thousands of virtual meetings at every hour of the day, but more importantly, rooms and outdoor meetings in LA that never missed a beat. There was an underground community of meeting makers that continued to go to in-person meetings, masks on, hugs and fellowship. I found that the work of early recovery far outweighed the isolation. I left the entertainment industry with two years of sobriety. New career opportunities opened up pretty quickly for me. Transitioning into the startup and tech sales world, I was able to move back home to New York and be closer to my family. As my sobriety continued, new career paths continued to present themselves. When I was introduced to Matt and AJ, I was immediately impressed with their mission and welcomed the opportunity to join the team. I am confident that the combination of my personal and professional success, as well as my CARC, CRPA certification, made my decision the perfect one for me. Having hit my stride in my own recovery, I now see that that my purpose is to help others. It is a purpose I do not take lightly. I bring the same energy and focus that has helped me to get where I am today to other individuals and families alike looking for a better way.

Stephanie's Story - My Journey to Addiction Recovery and Giving Back

By Stephanie Myers, CPRS • January 29, 2025
My name is Stephanie Myers, and I am excited to be part of the incredible team at You Are Accountable . As difficult as my journey prior to recovery was, I am grateful for every step along the way. My recovery journey began five years ago through what I believe was divine intervention. At my lowest point—mentally, physically, and spiritually—I was led to a 12-step recovery program. Most of my life was spent seeking relief from my internal and external struggles. During my teenage years, I thought I had found a solution, but my addiction only progressed, leading me to the depths of despair. My addiction compromised my morals, diminished my integrity, and left me with a profound sense of hopelessness. Overwhelmed by guilt and shame, I realized that everything in my life had to change. I became willing to do whatever it took to shift the trajectory of my life. Gradually, I connected with others who understood my pain and had found their way to recovery. I dedicated myself to internal work and began to fill the spiritual void that I had been attempting to fill with substances. Today, my life is filled with purpose, love, and more beauty than I could have ever imagined five years ago. It is my passion to help others realize that there is hope on the other side of addiction. As a Certified Peer Recovery Specialist, I strive to help plant the seed of recovery and help others grow along their path to recovery.

Brittany's Story: Overcoming Addiction to Find Hope, Healing, and Purpose

By Brittany Pealer, CRPS • January 28, 2025
My name is Brittany, and I’m honored to be part of the team at You Are Accountable . My journey to recovery has been filled with struggles, lessons, and, ultimately, transformation. For years, I lived in the utter hopelessness of addiction, believing there was no way out. A "normal" life felt completely out of reach, and even as a child, I never felt like I had a true purpose. Throughout my active addiction, I found myself trapped in a relentless cycle. I would put one substance down—whether through treatment or court-ordered intervention—but almost immediately, I would pick up another. Each time, I restarted the same painful, destructive cycle, convinced that I could never break free. It wasn’t until I realized that recovery is an inside job that things began to change. Changing people, places, and things (and substances) can only do so much for so long; true recovery requires doing the hard work within. My turning point came when I became pregnant with my first daughter. For the first time in my life, I found a reason to fight for something greater than myself. That moment marked the beginning of my journey to recovery, and through that journey, I discovered the life I never thought was possible. Today, I’m blessed with an amazing job, a beautiful family with two incredible daughters, and an active role in my recovery community. As a Certified Peer Recovery Specialist (CPRS) and Recovery Coach, I am passionate about helping others find hope and healing. I understand the challenges of breaking free from addiction, and I’m living proof that it’s possible to create a life filled with purpose, joy, and connection. Recovery has given me everything I once believed was out of reach, and I’m honored to walk alongside others as they embark on their own journeys to freedom.
Share by: