Dear Sibling,
Has anyone checked on you recently? I imagine a lot is going on right now: your sibling is struggling, your parents keep talking with one another, other family members ask your parents “How are you? How can we help?” but no one has asked you.
How are you?
I will never forget when my Mom called me to say that my brother would not be joining us for her birthday dinner. I sat with my Mom and Dad at dinner that night and all we talked about was my brother. He was using again, it was bad, he couldn’t honor commitments and since he couldn’t be ready for tonight’s celebration he was uninvited. The next day, my birthday, I was told that he would be going to rehab.
And that’s how things went. It happened quickly and slowly at the same time. It was confusing and sad, but also made me feel mad. Mad is a hard feeling for me, so instead I worried, all of the time, so much so that I had panic attacks. I had had my own experience with my brother’s use and abuse. I was also a victim of his bad choices, but I had no power. I am not his parent, I’m his sibling. I was stuck in the middle and confused with who I aligned with: was I on Team Parent - telling on him when things were odd? Was I on his team - keeping secrets and unknowingly enabling? It was very unclear and confusing which only added to the panic and worry and anger.
I was afraid to tell my friends for fear of what they would say and so I stayed quiet. I talked with my parents about what was happening, but they were dealing with this just like I was. So I put my head down and suffered silently and alone. I found a therapist, who had experience working with people in recovery. This was helpful because she understood professionally and personally what I was going through.
Therapy was where I landed weekly to talk about my brother. I was allowed to be sad and mad. I was also allowed to celebrate the good things that were happening for me. “This is only
one thread of your life,” my therapist said. I learned to see the other threads that made my life good. I practiced setting strong boundaries with family members. I learned better coping skills, cried, learned more skills and created a new routine for myself. After time and work, I got stronger and learned how to talk about it in a way that didn’t scare me or make me sad or mad.
So, Sibling, it’s okay to have feelings about this, and you should feel them all. It’s scary and uncomfortable. Your family is changing and it’s not your job to fix it. Ask for help, tell a friend because there are more people out there dealing with this than you know. If there’s a family day at rehab, you should go. It felt so nice to talk about addiction with other people going through a similar thing - you’re not alone.
Sibling, I hope you’re okay or getting there or good.
hello@youareaccountable.com
(646) 450-7641